A Buyer's Guide to the Apocalypse: Three indestructible motorcycles

You wake up and something is different. The acrid smell of spent explosives stings your nostrils. The warm glow of hellfire filters through your curtains. You walk cautiously – barefoot across the singed bedroom carpet – and throw open the drapes. Then you see it. The entirety of civilization has been wiped out – a barren wasteland of stubby trees and smoldering car chassis. It’s the end of days, the Armageddon, the apocalypse. And to you, that means only one thing:

Wide. Open. Roads.

But wait! Where are you going to find a bike in all this devastation? Lucky for you, we've compiled a list of motorcycles that will outlive us all.

The Honda XR650L

Truth be told, any Honda XR model is going to be a safe bet. Their single cylinder, four-stroke engines are the epitome of reliability. I can remember waking up one spring, after a long winter, and dragging my XR100 out of the garage. It was freezing cold, and I had to pick a bunch of last summer’s straw from the chain. The gas in the tank was from last summer too, although it was mixed with some dirt that had gotten in there years ago. There was loads of oil, which I think had been changed sometime during the Industrial Revolution. This was the state of my dirt bike and yet, under half-choke and a strong kick, I never had any doubt. She always started on the first go.

Nowadays, we’re used to motorcycles that need to be swaddled by the fire, sipping high-octane gasoline. If we want our machines to turn over, we’d better oil them up and hand out a Swedish massage first. But when the end of the world comes, you can forget about these divas! The XR series – in all its ugly and sluggish glory – will never let you down.

If you’re like me – or thousands of other gear heads – then your first bike was probably an old XR. So, there’s a good chance that you’ll be able to locate a few among the wreckage. If you have the luxury of choice, we have to recommend the XR650L. It’s the only XR that you can still buy in 2015, and it’s basically identical to the archetypical 1993 model. If you've done your math right, that makes twenty-two years of success. And when Honda can’t find a way to improve on something for a quarter century, then you know they've really hit gold.

If you've ever seen a family of six riding a motorcycle – somewhere in the developing world - they were probably on an XR650L. So don’t worry, the 644cc engine has the power to carry you and any other survivors you may find. These bikes are also popular with Baja 1000 racers, so the nuclear dust storms shouldn't be a problem. They’re even air cooled, which is great, because coolant can be hard to find in the end times. Batteries will be scarce too; grab one of the older models with a kick-starter if you can.

The Honda CBR1000RR

It's true - we probably should have filled our list with gritty ADV and dual-sport bikes. But if we sacrifice a smidge of toughness in the name of fun, is it really the end of the world? In this case, perhaps it is. Oh well. The fact that there's even a relatively reliable litre bike makes it worth mentioning. Hence, the Honda CBR1000RR.

Let’s be honest, it isn't exactly surprising to find two Hondas on our list. After all, the brand is basically synonymous with reliability. If the XR650L workhorse was a bit too dull for you, however, the CBR will prove to be a bit zestier.

With those empty apocalypse roads, you’ll want to open the taps a bit. And good thing too, because the CBR1000RR has plenty to pour out. You’ll reach 60mph in 2.6 seconds and – if the zombies are giving chase – you can climb all the way to a brisk 278km/h.

This time, the engineers at Honda have redefined reliability as a 998cc, liquid cooled, inline four-cylinder engine. You won’t be able to fit many survivors on the back, but who cares! With dual stage fuel injection they’d probably fall off anyway. Rest assured, however, that you won’t. On the dusty roads, where an overzealous handful of throttle could leave you sliding into the ditch, you’ll be happy to find that the 153 horsepower is unleashed in a smooth and linear fashion.

Sport bikes are always finicky, and the CBR1000RR is no exception. When the end of the world comes, however, the CBR will prove better than most. It belongs to a long and distinguished ancestry, beginning with the CBR900RR in 1992. Honda has had over two decades to fine-tune this beast, resulting in a stellar reputation for dependability. While this motorcycle is a well-trained monster, it’s a monster nonetheless. After all, the CBR1000RR is only a few generations removed from MotoGP’s RC211V.

These bikes aren’t exactly high tech, and they lack some basic computerized features like traction control. Of course, even in the civilized world, simplicity often reads reliability . Affectionately known as the Fireblade , the CBR1000RR will be sure to add some street cred to your post-apocalyptic lineup.

The BMW R75

Here’s a bike you can take into battle. No, literally! The BMW R75 was the go-to motorcycle for the German Wehrmacht during WWII. It’s an iconic bike, if for somewhat unfortunate reasons. Besides being Hitler’s Harley, you may also recognize the BMW R75 as Steve McQueen’s ride from The Great Escape. McQueen was actually riding a Triumph dressed up as an R75, but when the world ends, you’d better find the real deal!

While collecting food, the attachable sidecar will come in handy. You could also put a person in the sidecar, but we wouldn't recommend eating them. The 745cc flat-twin engine powers both the rear and third wheel (sidecar, remember!) The R75 also comes with a locking differential and off-road gear settings, which will be handy for those pesky areas where the pavement is bombed out. There’s a reverse gear as well, in case things get really bad. Moreover, the R75 is shaft-driven, which adds to longevity while minimizing maintenance. If you break an R75, you only have to follow this simple two-step process:

1. Take a picture, because no one will believe that you could break it.
2. Find a monkey and a wrench, because WWII-era bikes are that easy to fix.

So, what do you get when the master craftsmen at BMW build a motorcycle especially for mechanized warfare? – An extremely durable and functional bike. The impressiveness of this design wasn't lost on contemporary manufacturers Zündapp and Harley-Davidson. In fact, thanks to some American plagiarism in the form of the Harley-Davidson XA, it is doubly easy to find parts for the R75.

With a top speed of 95km/h, you won’t be outrunning anyone; you’ll be running them over with nearly one thousand pounds of sheer unstoppable fury. Think three-wheeled tank – think motorbike blitzkrieg – think whatever you want! Just make sure to find one of these bulletproof beauties among the wreckage.

Think you’ve got a motorcycle to add to our list? Tweet us your post-apocalyptic ride @canadasmoto!