Does it Matter if Loud Pipes Save Lives?

Mar 21, 2023 — Every year the debate rages. We meet on the battlefield, armed with amateur science and personal anecdotes. Somebody has dredged up the Hurt Report and everybody brings a shovel. Then, we all dig up the dead horse and beat the crap out of it.

At the end of the day, we’re all a little more stereotyped. And a lot more pissed off. But I’m not here to play war. If you’re unfamiliar with the dispute, just type "loud pipes save lives" into Google and kiss your afternoon goodbye. The internet has a million articles on both sides of the issue. And a billion hateful comments.

I’m writing, instead, to ask whether the question is even important. If we had an answer, would it change anything? Or are we fighting and dividing for no good reason?

I'll propose 2 thought experiments, then a potential solution. And since we’re all big boys and girls, you can judge for yourself whether my logic is worth anything.

Thought Experiment #1

It’s a gilded morning in Saskatchewan. The world seems divided in half: pale blue above, canola-yellow below. And somewhere beyond reach — somewhere at infinity — they run together.

Nurse Bob is stirred by his surroundings. It’s the kind of expanse that makes him want to move through it. And fast. Bob’s parents live in a gated community an hour outside the city. He has a rare day off and a Harley Night Rod with an aftermarket exhaust from FortNine. Perfect.

On a normal day, Bob barely gets into second gear between his house and the hospital. But today he has every freedom to cut the Hog loose. And oh man, those pipes are LOUD. On the highway, Nurse Bob blips the throttle before moving into every blind spot. Over the din of traffic people must notice Bob coming and going; the journey doesn't involve any close calls.

Thank God for loud pipes!

When Nurse Bob arrives at the retirement complex, he’s stoked from the epic ride. His Night Rod is running hot and it's eager to rev up. Heading down a side street, Bob lets the bike get carried away in acceleration.

Subsequently, an elderly gentleman walking his dog nearly faints. Startled, the poodle wets itself.

Damn those loud pipes!

Do you see what happened here? The question of loud pipes played out in two different theaters. Where the volume is useful, Bob sees the benefit. But where the noise is pointless, our elderly gentleman sees the harm.

Look at it this way: Nobody narrowly avoids killing a motorcyclist on the road, only to say "Man, those pipes were annoying." Likewise, nobody is kept awake in their bed, only to say "Man, I’m sure glad I heard those bikers coming."

It doesn't matter if loud pipes save lives or not, because their effect is dependent on a momentary rather than a universal answer to the question. If you were annoyed by the noise, then you didn't need to hear it. And if you needed to hear the pipes, you wouldn't be annoyed.

Trying to resolve the dispute is futile. We’re fighting the same case from 2 different court rooms.

Thought Experiment #2

Nurse Bob is in trouble. Even before he knocks on his parents’ door, Mr. Wollstone has called to complain about his distressed poodle. Now Teacup has an anxiety disorder and she’s pissing all over the carpet.

So Nurse Bob and his parents get into an argument.

"But loud pipes save lives!" he says.

"If you’re so concerned about safety, why aren't you wearing a fluorescent jacket and a full face helmet?" they respond.

Now stop, because this is a common one.

The parents maintain that Nurse Bob cannot be using his loud pipes for safety. Because if he was, logic follows that Bob would employ other safety equipment as well. Since Bob rides around in a leather vest and a skull cap, "loud pipes save lives" must be nothing more than a hollow excuse.

But here’s the problem: we’re talking about a motorcyclist here. By definition, Bob has already chosen a subjective balance between safety and pleasure. Otherwise he’d be driving a bright-yellow minivan.

So again, it doesn't matter if loud pipes save lives or not. If they do, Bob will use them because they’re safe and fun. And if they don’t, Bob will use them because they’re just fun. For a lot of motorcyclists, both justifications are equally valid.

By the very nature of the powersport, an answer to the LPSL question is inconsequential.

It Doesn't Matter if Loud Pipes Save Lives

I think there's a solution to the LPSL dispute. And it doesn’t depend on finding an answer to the eternal question. Quite the opposite, in fact.

We can all get along if we stop caring whether loud pipes save lives or not.

Because if we resign ourselves to uncertainty, we can't label each other as ignorant or inconsiderate. Quiet folks can deal with annoying rumbles by thinking, "well, maybe someone needed to hear that." Likewise, noise-o-holics can keep it down in residential areas by thinking, "well, maybe my badass exhaust is only annoying people."

Antagonizing one another just makes things worse. And motorcyclists have enough stereotypes and grudges to begin with.

Do loud pipes save lives? I don’t know if there’s a definitive answer out there. But for our sake, I hope there never will be.