How to Trigger Traffic Lights

Mar 10, 2022 — There’s nothing worse than waiting at a traffic light while you die of old age. And motorcyclists have a special problem with this.

When we ride, we feel like King Kong on steroids – unstoppable, and more than a little wild. But get us alone with a red light, and we start quaking in our little leather booties. All of a sudden we’re miniature motorists, without enough scrap metal to bother a silly inductive loop (which is how traffic sensors work, by the way).

Here’s how to deal.

Jump Up and Down

If you’re a moron, here’s what to do: Roll up to the light and, when that bastard doesn’t change for you, start stomping it into submission. You can do this without dismounting, by performing a good vertical take-off and landing hard onto your seat. Try to swing your legs into a pike position – level with the pavement – for an impressive bum-drop form. This will transfer maximum force into your saddle and, subsequently, into that damned traffic sensor.

Want to ramp up the intensity? Hell yeah! Start compressing your forks into the ground between each jump, like you’re kneading a nice big loaf of idiot bread. If that doesn’t work, it’s time to enter phase 2: Get off your bike and stomp around on the pavement like a toddler with a temper tantrum.

And throughout all this, remember that traffic light detectors have absolutely nothing to do with force.

Make the Mad Dash

You’re sitting at the red light, contemplating death by slow starvation, when you see it: a pedestrian button! That’s like an oasis in the bloody desert. That’s your way out of here.

But damn – how do you get there to push it?

You could ride over and press the button, but people will think you’re a rampaging madman trying to mow down pedestrians. This won’t do.

You could get off your bike and walk there. Of course, as soon as you do, the light will turn green and a million cars will come honking behind your rider-less motorcycle.

And if you don’t want to take your helmet off, and hurl it at the button, try yelling at an innocent bystander – they’ll understand what you’re getting at, right? In this scenario, just hope for the best…

Pull a U-Turn

Forget this crap – you’ll find another way home. Defeatism at its finest.

Make Your Bike More Metal-ish

Inductive loops in the road require some electromagnetic flux to be triggered. In other words, there needs to be a disturbance in the force, young Padawan. You aren’t a Jedi? Don’t worry, we’ll use the dark side. To illustrate our point, here's what not to do:

• Go online and hunt down some rare earth magnets. As far as we know, the government hasn’t tried to control Neodymium yet.

• When you’ve got the goods, carry them – carefully – to the garage. If you have nipple rings, that’s your business. Just don’t bring the magnets too close, or you won’t have body piercings for much longer.

• Now, stand about 10 meters away and start lobbing those bad boys at your motorcycle.

If your aim is good, most of them should slam into place somewhere near the engine. If not, you’ll end up with melon-sized dents all over your chromed-out ride. Oh well!

On your next ride, you’ll find that the supernatural magnets work great! When parked at a red light, the inductive loop will think your 125cc featherweight is actually a semi-truck full of wrought iron.

Naturally, you’ll also start picking up loose change while you ride. And hubcaps. And entire pickup trucks. I guess now's the perfect time to pass by a Judas Priest concert and let those fans know who the real Metal God is.

Master the Secret Art of Positioning

Allegedly, there’s a way to position your motorcycle that will trigger inductive loops. This requires a superhuman ability to read the scars in the road, deduce the arrangement of the buried device, and park your bike accordingly.

As the legend goes, one ought to position their motorcycle to the side of a dipole loop, in the center of a quadrupole loop, and “wrapped around” a circular loop. Quick tip: This last arrangement requires the rider to bend space-time first.

If you want to master the secret art of inductive positioning, there’s someone you need to find. An old man – living in a Himalayan cave outside Lhasa – three days’ journey by mule convoy. Long ago, he uncovered the secret through alchemy and interpretive dance. Seek him out, and you may learn the way.

Wait it Out

Thinking about running the red? "What’s the worst that could happen?" – said no one alive to tell the tale. In the end, it's probably best to just take a nice deep breath, repeat the expression goosfraba, and hang tight.

Talk to yourself. Talk to your motorcycle. Talk to a volleyball named Wilson. Do whatever you have to do because, eventually, another vehicle will come along and save your stranded soul.