The Motorcyclist's Workout - Not for Pansies

May 31, 2022 — It’s been an epic 12 hours in the saddle. The engine is hot, the rubber is sticky and your muscles are aching from exhaustion. In the middle of an S-turn, you wrestle six hundred pounds of fire and metal from one apex to the next.

Fans of Top Gun might call you a fighter pilot. Lovers of the never-ending road might say you’re an explorer. But we have our own word for people like you.

That word is wimp.

It’s time to smarten up, private! If your Gluteus Maximus gets sore after consecutive days in the saddle, then you must be gluttonous to the maximus! And if hurricane-force winds make your neck a bit fatigué, then you should be Darwinized out of Homo Sapiens evolution ASAP.

But don’t worry — there’s a shard of hope for wimperinos like you. And by shard, I mean this epic beast of an exercise routine. Proven to work in just 2 weeks. We don’t have testimonials right now, so you’re just going to have to take our word for it, alright?

Now get your @$$ to the next section!

Cardiovascular Endurance Training

It’s time to get sadistic, cream puff!

Motorcycles are exciting. That means your heart rate spikes while riding. And unless you've got the cardiovascular capabilities of a mutant gazelle, you’re going to lose focus in the heat of action. These exercises are designed to jack up your heart, lung and mental capacity.

“Cardiovascular endurance” is all about trying to induce a heart attack with long stretches of exercise. It won’t take much in the beginning. But when you get really good, there will be hours of agony before you actually die. Nice!

Running is great for cardio, but your knees are probably destroyed from all that asphalt-scraping goodness. Try cycling instead — it’s low impact and equally good for torturing the heart. Bicycles even have two wheels, and we know you get all hot and bothered by that kind of thing.

Cycle until you’re absolutely knackered, to the point of losing consciousness and bowel control at the same time. And when you think you might actually die, pull out some Sudoku.

‘Cause you have to be mentally sharp under strain, right pansy-cake?

Lower Body Training

Oh no! All that cycling has stolen our shine. Time to douse yourself in some baby oil.

Now that you look good again, let’s work it from the waist down. Your lower body needs to latch onto the motorcycle like a fat kid on cake. VICE GRIPS GOT NOTHIN’ ON YOU!

That’s because your hands should be feather-light on the controls. We hold onto a motorcycle with our legs, not our arms. And if you didn't know that already, give your head a shake.

Do some DB lunges for the lower body. If you stay stationary, the DB stands for dumbbell. But you've got your oil on, remember? That means you're going to lunge-walk your slippery body all around the gym. Make sure everyone can see how hard you’re working.

Now, the DB stands for douchebag.

Flexibility Training

Listen up, daisy blossom! I’m only going to say this wisdom once: Pilates.

And no, Pilates isn't just stretching for dorks. And it ain't some “find your inner chia seed” bullshit either. Pilates gives you flexible strength. And if you've ever crammed your legs onto racing rear sets while dragging an elbow on the ground, you know why that’s important.

If your motorcycle is a recliner with wheels, that’s cool too. But before you write off flexibility, think about crashing. Would you rather bend or break, buttercup?

Last thing — Shaquille O’Neal does Pilates. You’re not a bigger boss than Shaq, are you? RESPECT.

Ride More

You’re not going to morph into Anthony by sitting in a Lay-Z-Boy and watching a million RevZilla videos. So get out and ride, half-pint!

Street riders should dirt bike in their spare time, and vice versa. It will make you stronger and sharper — which is what this routine is all about!

Get Huge and Stay Tiny

If you’re jacked out of your mind, you will become your own meat shield. Muscle mass and bone density are protective against impacts and fitness is great for recovery. The bottom line is this: when beefcakes go down in a crash, the earth gets scared.

Problem is, a 300-pound Mr. Universe doesn't make a very good motorcyclist. No matter how much oil he lathers on.

That’s because riders should be nimble, flexible and lightweight. At the end of the day, the motorcycle still has to move your chunky @$$.

But here’s the good news: you can build muscle without bulk. Just look at MotoGP riders. Believe it or not, these scrawny kids aren't actually malnourished. They've just mastered the art of slim building!

The key to lean muscle is lifting HEAVY, FAST and SHORT. As in, grab the heaviest thing you can possibly handle. Then, be bloody quick about your lifts. Pretend to be an Olympic clean-and-jerk-er who just drank 5 coffees, and you’ll get the idea. Do 2-3 sets at a time and don’t let your reps go past 6. When you’re done, give yourself a long 2-5 minute break.

I know — it’s a weird exercise routine. But consider it your opportunity to look like a total badass. You don’t have to sit around curling miniature dumbbells for an hour. Instead, you get to grab some huge weights, hurl them around for 30 seconds and then spend 5 minutes basking in glory and baby oil.

You’re welcome.

Don’t Eat Like a Moron

Here’s what I want you to do:

1. Go to your local diner
2. Find all the oil that they fry stuff in and fill a big bucket with the grease.
3. Open the gas tank on your motorcycle, and pour it in.

No? You don’t want to fill your high-performance machine with garbage?

Fine. Then don’t do it to yourself either.

Now what are you waiting for, pumpkin-wafer? That's enough Gandhi-style wisdom for one day. Motorcycle season is upon us, so MOVE IT.